Most of you who know me, know that I am a guardian personality. I care about others, I fix problems, I love people, and I help how I can. I love that aspect about me and hope to continue developing it. As I get older however, I realize I have a significant weakness that actually hinders me from doing those things well, and that is the ability to care about myself.
As I’ve been more exposed to the world of mental health both in my job and as a learning adult, I have realized that I have struggled with depression much of my life. Before, I would allow the thoughts “You’re so weak”, “Why can’t you figure this out” “You’re worthless”, “You know the answer, figure it out.” “You don’t deserve help” to paradoxically fuel both my desire to help others to prevent people feeling as I did, and also my loathing of any demonstrated fault I had.
Learning and growing over the years, I’ve seen triggers and moments where it gets worse and as I have been taking these inventories of when I feel depressed over the last several years I’ve been able to significantly change my life for the better. I attribute this primarily to my angelically patient wife who was a master at noticing the start of my seclusion, which allowed me to stop and take stock of those moments I felt depressed and discuss the causes and feelings in the moment. This is much easier said than done. Of all the triggers I’ve seen in the past, most often during those times it’s because I was trying to do something and I failed, or I was asked to do something and I worried about failure. I have a toxic view of relying on the help of others because I put in my head the worst they could think of me. “He’s Lazy”, “That’s easy, just get over it.” “He’s such a wimp, there are people worse off”. As Chief Advisor to the king, Grima Wormtongue, unnoticed to only his victim, gets into Theoden’s head in the Lord of the Rings, Theoden becomes numb to his own voice and lashes out at anyone who might try to help. In the book, this is because Saruman is in control. In real life we all have a Wormtongue, namely the Devil, that sits and idly chatters away to get us to disbelieve the intentions of others who seek our benefit, or that we don’t deserve the help offered; depression gives him a megaphone and recording contract. as Craig Groeschel put it, “Most of life’s battles are won or lost in the mind.” Fighting the initial urge to retort and defend against the help of others and remembering I am in control is a battle I have to fight every time, and each time I fight it I get a little better.
As part of my #2020Vision, now that I have finally gotten a good handle on what causes my mind to lose ground in that battle, I look to the source of the opposing army. That is why I have written this blog and why I seek to share this personal journey with you. I have come to realize very personally, NOT that I need to stop focusing on others, but that I need to focus on myself. As some of you know, I started this year with my Daily Texts of motivation. Some of you even signed up to receive them along with me! While these have been helpful, the pressure with additional people involved started taking the benefit away and I realized I was stressing about posting them, that battle of guilt and the little voice started to bring back up the soundboard in the studio with the familiar tune. So I’ve stopped. One of the best quotes of my year however has been “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield. I always thought of myself as compassionate, but if I am not willing to do it for myself, what is the point?
As my exercise in allowing my compassion to extend to myself is allowing other people to see my needs, and my struggles and the things I need help with. Now that I am winning the battle of my mind, I can better when the war over myself. As many of you know, when you’re tired, it can be hard not to be grumpy, and when you’re in pain, it’s a bit easier to be grumpy, and when you’re both, then your best bet is that someone has locked you away from any irritations whatsoever. As for most of you, this is not the case, as life’s purpose is to present stresses and help us see the blessings of overcoming them. I have been fighting chronic pain on a mild level for over a decade. It’s gotten to the point I don’t think twice about hurting, unless of course it’s an unexpected hurt, then I have an unusually low tolerance (Ask my wife, I man-cold hardcore). I chalked it up to weight as I have been heavy all my life. I figured if I could just lose weight, I would be happier, or I wouldn’t hurt, or life would be better. On my mission I lost 80lbs in 6 months and was in the best shape of my life, I was still vastly overweight, but I did feel happier. While I was definitely happier, I still hurt, I still struggled. I returned home and was violently thrust into a world I didn’t understand again with no training center or plan to follow, I was aimless. My weight came back, my depression was in full force at this point and I was stuck. I was still friendly and found happiness but would sullenly return home and lay in bed thinking about how much I didn’t deserve to be happy or how much better I could be as I saw peers and mission companions immediately see careers and marriages and “success”. These feelings compounded to a point where at the beginning of my freshman year of college I very nearly succeeded in committing suicide. Thanks to a couple good friends I took that rock bottom and built myself back up. I realized at that point I did not love myself, though I loved others and that helped, I had no lasting affect because that love was directed outward, and I had a high wall preventing any in. My way of understanding how to love myself was to ignore the taunts and jabs and “bullying” my weight had brought to me for eons. As I moved on and matured I learned to love myself for me, my humor and talents and personality, I had achieved victory.
Victory in a battle is important, but victory in war is vital. As I’ve tried countless weight loss options both prescribed and person, I consistently have hit a wall whether in my ability to diet. I have Oral Allergy Syndrome(OAS) that prevents me from eating a lot of nutritious raw foods, and even prevents a lot of cooked food. My body sees the proteins as a pollen and will then attack it, the reaction happens in my mouth and throat which swells and itches. While not lethal, it is mildly very uncomfortable to breathe for a bit and on bad reactions, hurts to breathe. Breathing is important. Eight years ago I got really sick, I got a cold developed to strep, developed to bronchitis, developed to pneumonia. I was out of school for a month and a half and in a world of medical bills. After recovering from that, my lungs hurt a little more but I figured that I had just put on more weight and with my already high mountain of medical bills I just pushed on. The next two consecutive years I got either full blown or walking pneumonia, and added another mountain to my increasingly burdensome debts. Generally between school and work I was outside normal business hours so would usually go to an urgent care for this treatment. They suggested I go to the ER then but at that age all I saw was more money I didn’t have and I’d already been to doctors several times and not seen results.
Now, I have a full time job and a family to take care of and I realize the need. After another bout of sickness (not pneumonia related) and a general lack of energy I visited an ENT to hopefully help find a permanent solution. At this point I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea, my tonsils were about 3 times bigger than normal, which was thought to be part of my breathing issues. I was then prescribed for CPAP therapy and had an adenotonsillectomy. I have thankfully not had any incredibly bad respiratory infections since, though I do still have difficulty overcoming even a common cold. Now that this was done, I wanted to try to get the rest of me healthier. While we could “afford” doctor visits, they have been placing a decent strain on an already tight budget; however we have been very blessed and have good doctors who know their trade. In an effort to get my OAS treated I visited with an allergy doctor to hopefully help and work on getting fruits/nuts/veggies into my diet potentially with an allergy shot boost. It was at this time I first started seeing the internal reasons that my weight-loss had always been so prohibitive. I was not approved for the shot as my lungs were only functioning at 60% I was diagnosed with Asthma. I am allergic to rescue inhaled albuterol and get sent into wheezing fits, I tried 6 different inhalers during this period, almost all of which caused a reaction from coughing, sweating, hives and pure exhaustion. I am able to use a levalbuterol emergency inhaler so thankfully I’m covered there. As I had this news it was discovered that I had actually received the diagnosis as a child but was not put on inhalers at that time. I was Exercise was recommended to help boost my lung function and help to get them working better. Roadblock #2, my body. I’d lost weight before, I figured I could do it again.
What I hadn’t considered though is when I’d lost it before (10 years before at this point) I was much younger and hadn’t had chronic pain. Upon entering the mission field I was experiencing sharp pains, up to a 7 pain scale in my right leg. On a general diagnosis at a small clinic where I was, it was determined to be a pinched sciatic nerve that should resolve in a couple weeks to maybe a few months. 12 years later I still have that “pinched nerve”, constantly it’s manageable at between a 1-3 pain scale, I have maybe an average of a few weeks a year where it hovers up near 5-7. It turns out, through recent x-ray’s that what actually is causing the issue is a collection of several things. First, I am in the 8-10% of people that have an additional lumbar vertebra. Mutations are never as cool as MARVEL would have you believe. The perk is I’m 6’3, the con is that it throws my other lumbar at a bigger arch than is normal, and it’s that arch that causes the constant pain I experience. Second was a malformed C1 vertebra that is behind the above average frequency of headaches and migraines I have. Weight-loss again was a suggested solution. In my history of weight-loss I’ve tried gym memberships, swimming, pills, yoga, video programs and many other things. None of which seemed to work. The one that seemed to work the best was the recumbent bicycle at the gym, so I started researching. About 3 months into the research I discovered recumbent trikes. I was seeing dozens of testimonials of heavy people who’d tamed not only their weight, but had overcome smoking, improved apnea results and in general were healthier than they had ever thought possible. Knowing my history of “too good to be true” health experiences and that all health takes work, not miracles, I continued my research into costs and functions, hopeful but not convinced.
Fast forward this experience to now two years and we get to where I am at today. I have prayed and researched and questioned and repeated that process as often as time would allow me. I am at a better place mentally than I have ever been and I know that this is the time to make life changing choices. My family needs a dad who is going to be around for a long time, and I need to be able to keep up with my children to give them the attention and life they deserve.
Over this time frame I have sent several dozen emails, letters, phone calls and applications to various organizations, companies, manufactures, and opinion forums looking for ways to afford a recumbent tricycle. I even got a prescription from my doctor, which my insurance then declined. I was feeling discouraged. I knew this was something that we couldn’t afford, but I knew it was something that could change my life. I have met and discovered some of the most fantastically charitable people one could hope to meet. I’ve heard hilarious and saddening stories, and I’ve made some good friends with people I’ve never met. As I continued to research the benefits and options for affordability, while saving what little I could, I was determined I was going to get this done no matter what and was sure something would come from all these contacts. To my disappointment nothing ever did, until one day I received an email from one of the organizations saying they were reviewing my proposal and would have an answer for me in a few days. Finally starting to see a glimmer of hope I was so excited. i knew for sure this would be the break I needed to get started changing my life. At the same time, a good friend of mine knowing the efforts I had put in, suggested a GoFundMe account.
I had seen and even donated to these in the past and almost always it was an extenuating circumstance that I felt was obviously deserving. Those who were not in immediate medical need had always seemed to me to be begging for gifts rather than seeking for help. I reasoned in my own mind most would see mine as a recreational luxury more than a medical need. I was embarrassed to share for fear of those labels of laziness and begging and self pity. I did create one, but did not post or share to anyone other than the friend for review and opinion on content, my little voice strongly suggesting that they would be thinking I was seeking handouts. My friend reviewed and thought it was a succinct and appropriate demonstration of my need. They further, unknown to me immediately donated $50! I was grateful, but a gratitude I can only describe as wretched. How could this person give me money? I just wanted to ask their opinion, and the thoughts in my head were saying “They’re giving you pity money because they think you’re pathetic”, “You don’t deserve that help, you didn’t earn it”. And I knew that friend’s intent was polar opposite of those thoughts, and that the thoughts were wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was cheating somehow.
I had decided to refund the friend and I was moving to close the GoFundMe account on the day when the organization that had previously reached out gave me their decision. They declined it in favor of other causes. I thought that was it, that was my last shot of all the work I’d put in. But then one of those employees suggested GoFundMe as an option, and that if I were to create one, to share the link so that they could spread it around and hopefully help get it noticed. I hadn’t deleted it yet, and something in me decided to do it, desperation, gratitude, deus ex machina, I still don’t know, though I know the Lord helps us in spite of our weaknesses. That employee personally donated $100. To a stranger she’d never before met, but believed in my goal. I was floored. How could anyone do that, for me? Aren’t there so many more deserving causes?
Cue my aha moment. Those who are religious, may remember hearing the story of a man lost at sea who was praying to God to help him. The man subsequently turned down several rescues in waiting for God’s assistance. When the man finally succumbs and drowns, he asks God why he wasn’t saved and God mentioned all the helps that were sent to rescue the man that he subsequently turned away all the means that were sent because they weren’t what the man pictured when he asked for help.
And at this time and during my scripture studying I came to realize that I was forcing compassion from others to only come in means I wanted. I slowly was able to silence those voices of shame and guilt, into rather pure gratitude and humility. I realized that comparatively this was not a life saving surgery, but it WAS personally life saving. The opportunities to increase my health to take care of my family to me are priceless, so why should I give up those goals just because the way I was looking/working/praying for help wasn’t what I thought? It was in that moment I felt reinvigorated with purpose and decided that no matter what labels may or may not be thrown at me, I was going to continuing working on options, but let people help how they wanted. I have been blessed to hit a much larger part of my goal than I ever thought possible. I have been able to receive blessings of peace that I had not experienced in this endeavor before. I feel so much more aware of not only my needs, but how to truly care for myself by allowing others the opportunity to serve, rather than only letting myself be the one who needs to serve. I’ve also realized how much more I feel capable to help by reserving that little extra bit of compassion back for myself.
I am grateful for you taking your time to share this personal experience with me. I have grown so much personally just from the pursuit of this goal that I feel no matter what happens my life has already changed for the better. I encourage all of us to remember that stress is part of this life, but when we stop to look at them with perspective, we will always see the blessings that follow. #stressedandblessed
I would really appreciate a share if you feel inclined. If you are able and choose to, you may also donate below. Please if you do, on whatever platform, let me know if you wish to remain anonymous as I will enter any non-GoFundMe donations manually for goal progress updates. I also want to give back and have provided a list of thank you tiers for donations, listed here:
$1-$10 = Haiku
$11-29 = Custom Poem on any subject you want, for anyone you want.
$30-49 = Handwritten Letter of thanks.
$50-$99 = All of the previous, plus I will place your name somewhere on the trike once acquired.
$100+ = You’re an MVP! you will get All the previous tiers plus a personal thank you video!
(You may substitute one or all of your tiers for that many (Tier 1=1, Tier 2=2+1 etc) submitted cards to St. Jude’s for Valentine’s on your behalf, after valentine’s day, any card requests will be sent to local hospice or assisted living facilities)
GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/stressedandblessed
PayPal: https://paypal.me/JantzenH?locale.x=en_US
CashApp: https://cash.app/$stressedandblessed
Stressed and Blessed 